Thursday, March 28, 2013
RC in Prison Day 1
I co-facilitated my second “Restorative Circle” class and Practice group Tuesday. This circle was as moving to me as my first. Somewhere in my mind Snoopy is doing his happy dance. I have fire in my heart that is fueled by a mixture of awe and gratitude. So grateful to be doing this work.
I've been having a hard time categorizing my work this year during my sabbatical. My ministry and professional career path are in re-formation. This certainly could be called a prison ministry, but the organizations that send me into the prison don't use such terms. We enter into prison to facilitate "Nonviolent Communication" and "Restorative Circle." These are considered educational not religious programing. Just the same, we're doing soul work. Although I use little religious language, we do indeed encounter something holy, mysterious and sacred.
Below I retell my experience of Wendy. (name changed to maintain confidentiality).
It was the first day of our 10-week class in Restorative Circles * (RC). We began by asking each woman why she had chosen to take this class. Wendy said that she had been accepted into the program that allows mothers to have their babies in the prison with them for their first 5 years. She said that she wasn't getting along with the other mothers and she didn't want to get kicked out of the program. Her tone of voice and language seemed tough, angry; every sentence delivered criticism and blame, attributing the cause of her problem to others.
I heard pain in her voice. I imagine everyone heard it. The question is whether this pain would get acknowledged. That makes quite a difference. My work is to hear into the heart of what people are saying, to help this be expressed and heard. As facilitators, we certainly can't control others. Fortunately, the process offers people opportunities to try new ways of connecting.
Sue, my co-facilitator, directed us to break into pairs to do a sharing/ listening exercise. There was an odd number of women in the circle, and Sue asked me to pair with Wendy. This listening exercise is not actually part of the RC process. We choose some exercises that we imagine increase the chances that learning will take place in the short time we have with them. Sharing and listening in pairs fosters connections. We believe it increases willingness to “jump in,” - offering a real conflict they have for the group to practice on.
In our dyad, Wendy told me that she would be leaving class in a few minutes to meet with the counselor. I encouraged her to take her turn, and she did.
As she started in on her story, she seemed more unbridled than she had been during the “check-in” with the whole group. Her voice was still hard, but it seemed to me that the energy of her expression was flowing. I heard anger and blame in her words. I also heard the pain of her existence. She had many complaints about the officers (who don't like to be called guards), and about fellow inmates: "The women are mean to me. They ostracize me and treat me like an outsider. I think they are afraid of me. I've had to be the way I am here; plus, they know how I got here. I was an accomplice to a homicide. So they keep their distance. They exclude me." She looked down frequently as she spoke.
Her flurry peaked with these sentences: "They see me as a violent person. They don't see that he beat me and tried to gang rape me.” The next moment was liminal space. It's this space between words where the most important communication happens. It is also something like the moment at the top of a swing or trampoline when one is neither rising or falling. Hard lines soften. In these moments, I pray wordless prayers. I've just come to expect to joined in such moments by the presence of the divine. In this moment I felt calm, confident, and yet aware of the uncertainty. Unless there is support, or unless safety is sensed, the quivering of the voice ceases, the posture and composure return. We've all become quite skilled at the habit of composing ourselves.
In that tender timeless moment, she shot me a glance that checked to see how I reacted to what she said. How would I see her? Would I see her as a category; a criminal, a violent person, an accomplice to a murder? I believe she looked to me to see if there was room to release some of the hurt she was carrying.
I don't speak but I trust she sees my answer. "Yes, Wendy, it is safe to talk about it."
Wendy turns her head down again. She makes no sound, but the tears come. When she next speaks her voice has changed. It's softer. And so to her words. When she speaks of the officers and the other women, she acknowledges them as people with their own needs. The difficulty of her situation is still there, but now she brings it in closer to her. Her session ends, and she leaves to keep her appointment with her counselor.
She returns in less than 10 minutes not the half hour she had said she would be gone. She gets back just in time to hear us ask "So who has a conflict that they are willing to let the group use?" I wasn't surprised when Wendy volunteers.
Wendy has a lot of difficulty choosing one act to bring to the circle. I imagine that it all seems overwhelming to her. It's as if she is saying "you have to know how everything happened, how it all just piled up..." I think she wants us to understand that all those events made it so that everyone is against her.
With the support of the facilitator, she does identify an act, and picks women in the circle to “substitute” for the ones involved in the conflict.
As the circle proceeded, Wendy seemed to move in a pattern similar to the earlier session: she began with anger and blame, but ended with a very different story and different attitude about the others. It seemed to me, that the women in this circle take her side. I imagine that the real people would be more defensive. Part of me longs for for more authenticity and balance.
However I have the sense that Wendy is getting a lot of support. At the end of class the other inmates express a lot of appreciation for Wendy's willingness to share her situation. I imagine that Wendy has experienced a very different world than the one she had been living in.
We'll never know exactly what effect this day had, but I suspect that Wendy was seeing a new world. I saw it; I know that I'm changed. I feel encouraged to remember these worlds and the difference between them -- the world of pain and blame, and the world of hearts being shared and received. I know a little more how I want to live.
~~
*Restorative Circles is a way that a community can address conflict in order to seek restoration. It was developed almost 20 years ago by Dominic Barter, a trainer with the Center for Nonviolent Communication.
More info on NVC here: http://www.cnvc.org and RC here: http://www.restorativecircles.org/
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Exploring what's in us in the wake of the Earthquake
In Compassionate Conversations class tonight, we used Grok cards (nvcproducts.com) to help us connect on a deeper level with the feelings and needs that are stirring in us after hearing the news of the earthquake, tsunami, explosion @ nuclear power plant etc. Wow! I figured that people were reeling from this, but I must admit to being surprised by the depth at which the news was affecting people.
I realized that I have been in denial. I have quick answers;theological ones, rational ones, helpful ones. Although these answers have been useful to me in the past, I realized that now they were simply more thoughts that were standing in my way of being with "what is". Despite "knowing better," I somehow believed that I could be unaffected by recent news from Japan. I had been telling myself; "I have a lot going on, and just don't have space for this right now." As I listened to others, I not only connected to them but also to the grief, hopes and concerns that were already inside of me.
The first participant shared the thoughts that had occupied her mind. She gave us some clues as to her feelings. She said that she had stayed with people in Japan a few years ago, and that she had long been a believer in the safety of nuclear power. Now she felt overwhelmed.
As she spoke she seemed to connect with the pain that was insider her. And this seemed to bring life into her. When people reflected back the important things they heard her saying, she seemed to become even more present. Then suddenly, an idea flashed insider her. It was a simple idea but obviously meant a lot to her. She realized that she could and would try to the contact the people she had met in Japan. You could almost see the electricity move through her body, as she integrated her epiphany. Later she explained that she had been excited by the thought of them receiving her letters and hearing of her concern. She began smiling. There was a profound shift in her appearance.
We may tell ourselves that this is news from far away and is not affecting us. In the face of what has been visited upon the people in Japan, it's easy to dismiss as unimportant any effect this is having on us.
There exists in each of us, an unseen world. Waves of thought and emotion are moving through us. When we reflected and shared with each other what was stimulated by the news from Japan, this unseen world became visible- at least in part. We got a glimpse at what Echart Tolle calls "the pain body" traveling with us. Awakening to the waves of thought and emotion, we also became more aware of the bonds between us, and realized the connection of humanity that extends around the globe.
Becoming less numb, even to pain and things that are hard to be with, ... no longer turning away, opened a door from which a surprising guest entered. Beauty became our companion, as we saw more clearly the humanity in the room.
I realized that I have been in denial. I have quick answers;theological ones, rational ones, helpful ones. Although these answers have been useful to me in the past, I realized that now they were simply more thoughts that were standing in my way of being with "what is". Despite "knowing better," I somehow believed that I could be unaffected by recent news from Japan. I had been telling myself; "I have a lot going on, and just don't have space for this right now." As I listened to others, I not only connected to them but also to the grief, hopes and concerns that were already inside of me.
The first participant shared the thoughts that had occupied her mind. She gave us some clues as to her feelings. She said that she had stayed with people in Japan a few years ago, and that she had long been a believer in the safety of nuclear power. Now she felt overwhelmed.
As she spoke she seemed to connect with the pain that was insider her. And this seemed to bring life into her. When people reflected back the important things they heard her saying, she seemed to become even more present. Then suddenly, an idea flashed insider her. It was a simple idea but obviously meant a lot to her. She realized that she could and would try to the contact the people she had met in Japan. You could almost see the electricity move through her body, as she integrated her epiphany. Later she explained that she had been excited by the thought of them receiving her letters and hearing of her concern. She began smiling. There was a profound shift in her appearance.
We may tell ourselves that this is news from far away and is not affecting us. In the face of what has been visited upon the people in Japan, it's easy to dismiss as unimportant any effect this is having on us.
There exists in each of us, an unseen world. Waves of thought and emotion are moving through us. When we reflected and shared with each other what was stimulated by the news from Japan, this unseen world became visible- at least in part. We got a glimpse at what Echart Tolle calls "the pain body" traveling with us. Awakening to the waves of thought and emotion, we also became more aware of the bonds between us, and realized the connection of humanity that extends around the globe.
Becoming less numb, even to pain and things that are hard to be with, ... no longer turning away, opened a door from which a surprising guest entered. Beauty became our companion, as we saw more clearly the humanity in the room.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
MLK "How Long?"
1-16-11
Again today I used my pulpit to preach the gospel of nonviolence. We were celebrating Martin Luther King's birthday. So it was a straight shot.
One of perks of preaching is that I get to keep what I give away. Today I gained encouragement, confidence and patience regarding the lag time between seeding and harvesting. Often that lag time is quite significant. It took 15 years before legislation to make King's birthday a holiday passed, 18 years before the first observance, and 32 years before the last state (SC) began observing the holiday.
But that's nothing. To the extent that Martin's message of nonviolence was inherited from Jesus, the lag time for fruition has been two milenium thus far. Christianity has itself ignored the centrality of nonviolence to Jesus message and ministry has been ignored for nearly 2000 years. By asserting that King's nonviolence was based in an understanding of Jesus's nonviolence teachings, I'm offering more evidence for how long it sometimes takes a long time for a message to take root.
those of us who seek to establish the consciousness and practice of nonviolence on a societal level, need to remember the magnitude of the task we've chosen. I'm not suggesting that we wait. I am intending to challenge the discouraged view that assumes "if it hasn't happened yet, it probably isn't going to happen."
Choices made by Martin Luther King continue to bear fruit. It is still early in the growing season. King said "the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice." He made that statement during the speech on the steps of the capital of Alabama after the successful completion of the Selma to Montgomery march.
If you want encouragement, watch 2 min from this speech, which has come to be known as the "How Long" speech. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAYITODNvlM
It may seem that the magnitude of the change is so great that there is little we can do. It may seem that we must wait until societal structures change. I've come to the conclusion that we must not only "keep our eyes on the prize" in terms of social change, but also do the work on our own heart and soul to become more effective agents of change. Dom Barter said that the biggest obsticle to our being effective in facilitating restorative circles is our own retributive justice consciousness. For us, who would create restorative systems, it may be neccessary to enroll in a long term education effort to shift our tendency from diagnosing what we see as right or wrong, good or bad. .. We can realize our own inclination to influence through reward and punishment, and begin to hear all communications as expressing a desire to make life more wonderful.
I have felt frustrated that I haven't created that RC system yet. Today reminded me that there is often a long season of labor before the harvest.
Again today I used my pulpit to preach the gospel of nonviolence. We were celebrating Martin Luther King's birthday. So it was a straight shot.
One of perks of preaching is that I get to keep what I give away. Today I gained encouragement, confidence and patience regarding the lag time between seeding and harvesting. Often that lag time is quite significant. It took 15 years before legislation to make King's birthday a holiday passed, 18 years before the first observance, and 32 years before the last state (SC) began observing the holiday.
But that's nothing. To the extent that Martin's message of nonviolence was inherited from Jesus, the lag time for fruition has been two milenium thus far. Christianity has itself ignored the centrality of nonviolence to Jesus message and ministry has been ignored for nearly 2000 years. By asserting that King's nonviolence was based in an understanding of Jesus's nonviolence teachings, I'm offering more evidence for how long it sometimes takes a long time for a message to take root.
those of us who seek to establish the consciousness and practice of nonviolence on a societal level, need to remember the magnitude of the task we've chosen. I'm not suggesting that we wait. I am intending to challenge the discouraged view that assumes "if it hasn't happened yet, it probably isn't going to happen."
Choices made by Martin Luther King continue to bear fruit. It is still early in the growing season. King said "the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice." He made that statement during the speech on the steps of the capital of Alabama after the successful completion of the Selma to Montgomery march.
If you want encouragement, watch 2 min from this speech, which has come to be known as the "How Long" speech. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAYITODNvlM
It may seem that the magnitude of the change is so great that there is little we can do. It may seem that we must wait until societal structures change. I've come to the conclusion that we must not only "keep our eyes on the prize" in terms of social change, but also do the work on our own heart and soul to become more effective agents of change. Dom Barter said that the biggest obsticle to our being effective in facilitating restorative circles is our own retributive justice consciousness. For us, who would create restorative systems, it may be neccessary to enroll in a long term education effort to shift our tendency from diagnosing what we see as right or wrong, good or bad. .. We can realize our own inclination to influence through reward and punishment, and begin to hear all communications as expressing a desire to make life more wonderful.
I have felt frustrated that I haven't created that RC system yet. Today reminded me that there is often a long season of labor before the harvest.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Deep in the heart of Christmas
Dear friends,
I have sort of a quota, a "bar" representing the minimum allowable amount of Christmas that I must express and experience each year. In addition to the obvious things, I consider it imperative that I take in at least one Holiday concert, watch a Christmas cartoon or a movie that brings me to tears. Most of all it wouldn't be Christmas without the joy of giving.
This year the weeks leading up to Christmas passed by at lightning speed. I had determined that this was to be the year I would get Christmas cards out, as I had done in all but the last several years. Didn't happen. I made the trip Thursday to Austin to see family, but without a gift or even a Christmas card in hand. (That didn't feel good). I did host two holiday parties, I led a service in Houston, and will lead a Christmas eve service tonight. However, I feel dissatisfied on the personal connection, and giving categories. Fortunately, mentor Rev Tom Heger reminded me of the age old tradition of Christmas beginning on December 25th, and continuing for 12 days until "Little Christmas."
So if you hear from me between 12/25 and 1/6 please don't say anything to imply that Christmas is over. If you would like to join me in keeping Christmas for 12 days, I'd welcome the camaraderie. Maybe we could start a trend. With the bulk of Christmas chores and commercial blitz behind us, perhaps we could spend 12 days seeing how much of that "peace on earth goodwill toward all" we can truly manifest.
That ideal could serve as true north on our compasses. Then the fun of the game will come from seeing how far "north" we can get. Hint: leave perfection for God. Realize that every step is itself a destination reached, a victorious arrival, a destiny fulfilled. Each step further in the direction of peace and goodwill is a gift.
Perhaps I will manage to write one of those Christmas letters, the kind to share a little of my journey, play "catch up" and offer loved ones a picture of my living.
For today, I'd like to share two favorite Christmas YouTube videos.
#1 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKk9rv2hUfA
"for behold, I bring you tidings of great joy that shall be for ALL people, for unto you is born this day a savior Jesus, messiah in the city of Bethlehem. and this shall be a sign unto you...
a multitude of the heavenly hosts praising G_d and saying Glory to G_d in the highest, and on Earth PEACE, goodwill toward ALL... that's what Christmas is all about Charlie Brown."
What does that phrase "peace on earth goodwill toward all?" really mean? John Lennon said; "Peace on Earth, that implies no violence, no starving children, no violent minds, no violent households, no violence. no frustration, no fear." John Lennon is part of my Christmas because he gave us the song "Happy Christmas (War is Over)." It debuted during the US war on Vietnam, and was accompanied by billboards throughout the world that read "War is Over if you want it." It was a campaign to convince people to get their governments to turn from war. Another of John's songs with a similar message; "Give Peace A Chance" became an anthem for a new generation of peace activists. It was sung by youth who tore down the Berlin wall.
There are several YouTube versions of "Happy Christmas (War is Over)." Some have pictures of the Beatles, some of winter landscapes. Some have pictures of Lennon/Ono's ad campaign. I'm including a video that tears at my heart, and leaves me praying that Christmas will transform my heart, causing me to follow Jesus more closely. WARNING: DO NOT watch the last few minutes of the video unless you are prepared to see images of war. It ain't a warm an fuzzy video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvNRHrKyaX4&NR=1
If you want a more pleasant version, try this one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OSu-5LMW84&feature=related
I respect those of you who choose not to feed their minds images of violence. I generally go that route myself.
However, remember Jesus wasn't born in a manger for no reason. Many believe that Jesus offered the way to heaven, but ignore how he lived. His ministry focused upon those who had been outcast and downtrodden. Now, I'm not trying to get you to believe in Jesus. Perhaps you let Jesus be a "sign unto you." Perhaps you follow Torah, or Quaran, or Buddah, or the vedas. We could argue which was the true or right"sign" from God. Better we should live in a way that demonstrates faith in divine love. Religion could help or it could get in the way of our realizing the possibilities of this season. If we become more caring, loving and peaceful, I won't worry who gets the credit
.
I will leave you with the gift of questions: 1) Is it possible that there could be a love so great, so strong that it could bring peace to all the world? 2) Must we wait for all the problems to be fixed?, or can we begin to know heaven now? Could heaven break into this world thorough us? 3) Must we wait for the 2nd coming, or for another different messiah to come? Could we find peace and joy right now? Is it possible to create or step into a divine realm of love and miracle? Lastly, what do you want for Christmas? (no really what do you want for Christmas?)
I pray that we prepare room for the Divine to enter our hearts this Christmas, that we live the words "Peace on Earth. Goodwill toward all."
Merry Christmas!
Phil
PS
John Lennon:
I think our society is run by a bunch of insane people for insane objectives. ... We are being run by maniacs for maniacal ends. .. If anybody can put on paper what our government, and the American government,etc and the Russian/ Chinese government what they are actually trying to do, and what they think they are doing. I'd be very pleased to know what they think they are doing. I think they are all insane. but then I'm liable to be put away as insane for expressing that."
"every country has had a violent revolution for one reason or another. Not one of them has the peace or freedom that we're all talking about. So we are saying give peace a chance."
*Little Christmas is aka the Celebration of the Epiphany, and is celebrated in many places throughout the world.
I have sort of a quota, a "bar" representing the minimum allowable amount of Christmas that I must express and experience each year. In addition to the obvious things, I consider it imperative that I take in at least one Holiday concert, watch a Christmas cartoon or a movie that brings me to tears. Most of all it wouldn't be Christmas without the joy of giving.
This year the weeks leading up to Christmas passed by at lightning speed. I had determined that this was to be the year I would get Christmas cards out, as I had done in all but the last several years. Didn't happen. I made the trip Thursday to Austin to see family, but without a gift or even a Christmas card in hand. (That didn't feel good). I did host two holiday parties, I led a service in Houston, and will lead a Christmas eve service tonight. However, I feel dissatisfied on the personal connection, and giving categories. Fortunately, mentor Rev Tom Heger reminded me of the age old tradition of Christmas beginning on December 25th, and continuing for 12 days until "Little Christmas."
So if you hear from me between 12/25 and 1/6 please don't say anything to imply that Christmas is over. If you would like to join me in keeping Christmas for 12 days, I'd welcome the camaraderie. Maybe we could start a trend. With the bulk of Christmas chores and commercial blitz behind us, perhaps we could spend 12 days seeing how much of that "peace on earth goodwill toward all" we can truly manifest.
That ideal could serve as true north on our compasses. Then the fun of the game will come from seeing how far "north" we can get. Hint: leave perfection for God. Realize that every step is itself a destination reached, a victorious arrival, a destiny fulfilled. Each step further in the direction of peace and goodwill is a gift.
Perhaps I will manage to write one of those Christmas letters, the kind to share a little of my journey, play "catch up" and offer loved ones a picture of my living.
For today, I'd like to share two favorite Christmas YouTube videos.
#1 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKk9rv2hUfA
"for behold, I bring you tidings of great joy that shall be for ALL people, for unto you is born this day a savior Jesus, messiah in the city of Bethlehem. and this shall be a sign unto you...
a multitude of the heavenly hosts praising G_d and saying Glory to G_d in the highest, and on Earth PEACE, goodwill toward ALL... that's what Christmas is all about Charlie Brown."
What does that phrase "peace on earth goodwill toward all?" really mean? John Lennon said; "Peace on Earth, that implies no violence, no starving children, no violent minds, no violent households, no violence. no frustration, no fear." John Lennon is part of my Christmas because he gave us the song "Happy Christmas (War is Over)." It debuted during the US war on Vietnam, and was accompanied by billboards throughout the world that read "War is Over if you want it." It was a campaign to convince people to get their governments to turn from war. Another of John's songs with a similar message; "Give Peace A Chance" became an anthem for a new generation of peace activists. It was sung by youth who tore down the Berlin wall.
There are several YouTube versions of "Happy Christmas (War is Over)." Some have pictures of the Beatles, some of winter landscapes. Some have pictures of Lennon/Ono's ad campaign. I'm including a video that tears at my heart, and leaves me praying that Christmas will transform my heart, causing me to follow Jesus more closely. WARNING: DO NOT watch the last few minutes of the video unless you are prepared to see images of war. It ain't a warm an fuzzy video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvNRHrKyaX4&NR=1
If you want a more pleasant version, try this one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OSu-5LMW84&feature=related
I respect those of you who choose not to feed their minds images of violence. I generally go that route myself.
However, remember Jesus wasn't born in a manger for no reason. Many believe that Jesus offered the way to heaven, but ignore how he lived. His ministry focused upon those who had been outcast and downtrodden. Now, I'm not trying to get you to believe in Jesus. Perhaps you let Jesus be a "sign unto you." Perhaps you follow Torah, or Quaran, or Buddah, or the vedas. We could argue which was the true or right"sign" from God. Better we should live in a way that demonstrates faith in divine love. Religion could help or it could get in the way of our realizing the possibilities of this season. If we become more caring, loving and peaceful, I won't worry who gets the credit
.
I will leave you with the gift of questions: 1) Is it possible that there could be a love so great, so strong that it could bring peace to all the world? 2) Must we wait for all the problems to be fixed?, or can we begin to know heaven now? Could heaven break into this world thorough us? 3) Must we wait for the 2nd coming, or for another different messiah to come? Could we find peace and joy right now? Is it possible to create or step into a divine realm of love and miracle? Lastly, what do you want for Christmas? (no really what do you want for Christmas?)
I pray that we prepare room for the Divine to enter our hearts this Christmas, that we live the words "Peace on Earth. Goodwill toward all."
Merry Christmas!
Phil
PS
John Lennon:
I think our society is run by a bunch of insane people for insane objectives. ... We are being run by maniacs for maniacal ends. .. If anybody can put on paper what our government, and the American government,etc and the Russian/ Chinese government what they are actually trying to do, and what they think they are doing. I'd be very pleased to know what they think they are doing. I think they are all insane. but then I'm liable to be put away as insane for expressing that."
"every country has had a violent revolution for one reason or another. Not one of them has the peace or freedom that we're all talking about. So we are saying give peace a chance."
*Little Christmas is aka the Celebration of the Epiphany, and is celebrated in many places throughout the world.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Things UUs Do
What great fortune! Looking for a place to sit and write, and I found the pavilion in Cullum Park on a gorgeous December day in NW Houston. I get situated. I turn to get started, and..... (gasp). What is this crawling along the edge of my laptop? It looks like a stink bug, but much larger. What an amazing creature!
I flick it off the computer, thinking it will fly. It hits the ground and stumbles onto its back. Then struggles to regain a position that allows it to walk, or presumably to take off. I regret that I have caused him unnecessary suffering. Fortunately, he is quickly upright, and begins walking. Wait, what's this? The little bugger is heading right back to me. "With 360* to choose from why are you coming back this way?" He is about to climb on my laptop wire. Hmm, these fellas are not generally considered pests, bugs that pester and persist in trying to feed on you or your food. I arise and find a dried orange peel and an abandoned straw, my implements of redirection. With little effort, I have my friend on an orange transport vehicle, and I carry him to to a nearby oak tree.
I sit back down. I look up to see my little friend crawling up the tree. A sweet joy, a sense of great pleasure arises in me. It's such a ordinary event, but a stimulus for happiness, nonetheless. One cause of my pleasure is the thought that what I have just done is something that a UU would do. Oh, we are certainly not the only ones who enjoy little acts of kindness. We are not the only ones with what Albert Schweitzer called a “reverence for life.” I've seen people carry spiders, bees and such from inside their homes safely to the “outdoors.” We don't have a monopoly on "our" values. Still it pleases me to know that I am connected not just to all life in general, but to Unitarian Universalists, and especially to UUs who enjoy such things as I do.
My pleasant thought multiplies as I consider that this article could be the beginning of a series- "things UU's do." I have recently thought of several UU behaviors that please me. I'm imagining that others would enjoy reflecting on "things UUs do." Oh I guess I should clarify. I confess that I've complained now and again about some things we UU's do, but that's not primarily what I have in mind. Perhaps you can help me (us) become aware of things that we do that reflect our spirituality. Many of them won't seem religious on the surface. Many of them may seem insignificant, but my faith tells me our acting out our values in small ways as well as big, makes this a better world to live in. If you have evidence to prove me right, I'd like to hear it.
I flick it off the computer, thinking it will fly. It hits the ground and stumbles onto its back. Then struggles to regain a position that allows it to walk, or presumably to take off. I regret that I have caused him unnecessary suffering. Fortunately, he is quickly upright, and begins walking. Wait, what's this? The little bugger is heading right back to me. "With 360* to choose from why are you coming back this way?" He is about to climb on my laptop wire. Hmm, these fellas are not generally considered pests, bugs that pester and persist in trying to feed on you or your food. I arise and find a dried orange peel and an abandoned straw, my implements of redirection. With little effort, I have my friend on an orange transport vehicle, and I carry him to to a nearby oak tree.
I sit back down. I look up to see my little friend crawling up the tree. A sweet joy, a sense of great pleasure arises in me. It's such a ordinary event, but a stimulus for happiness, nonetheless. One cause of my pleasure is the thought that what I have just done is something that a UU would do. Oh, we are certainly not the only ones who enjoy little acts of kindness. We are not the only ones with what Albert Schweitzer called a “reverence for life.” I've seen people carry spiders, bees and such from inside their homes safely to the “outdoors.” We don't have a monopoly on "our" values. Still it pleases me to know that I am connected not just to all life in general, but to Unitarian Universalists, and especially to UUs who enjoy such things as I do.
My pleasant thought multiplies as I consider that this article could be the beginning of a series- "things UU's do." I have recently thought of several UU behaviors that please me. I'm imagining that others would enjoy reflecting on "things UUs do." Oh I guess I should clarify. I confess that I've complained now and again about some things we UU's do, but that's not primarily what I have in mind. Perhaps you can help me (us) become aware of things that we do that reflect our spirituality. Many of them won't seem religious on the surface. Many of them may seem insignificant, but my faith tells me our acting out our values in small ways as well as big, makes this a better world to live in. If you have evidence to prove me right, I'd like to hear it.
Friday, November 12, 2010
RC arrives at Starr King
When I first encountered Dominic Barter and learned of the "Restorative Systems" he had established in Brazil, I felt wowwed, humbled and hopeful. I was struck by the transformative power of "Restorative Circles." These do so much more than help a few individuals feel better. They introduce communities to a different way of engaging in conflict.
It's my sense that many of our congregations suffer for generations from ghosts of conflicts past. If congregations had a healthier and more productive way to engage in conflict, this would have profound effects. In hopes of spreading the word,I shared with our district executive and others a prediction that the RC process to engage conflict was bound to find its way into use in Unitarian Universalist Congregations.
The process is so perfectly aligned with UU values, priniciples and purposes,that I couldn't help but imagine that there would be UU congregations interested. It is built upon the awareness of interdependence and the inherent worth and dignity of every person. It is a process where people get community support and participation in order to engage conflict and seek restoration. The system promotes both compassion and responsibility. It's not just about being heard or emotional catharsis. It attempts to facilitate shared meaning and self responsibility. It ends when restoration plans have completed to everyone's satisfaction.
The process reveals interdependence, the effects we have on one another, and the ties between us. It operates on the assumption that "conflict is owned by the community." It promotes awareness that each of us does matter.
Despite my confident proclamation, inside I held doubts. My encounters of RC had been spiritually overwhelming, "road to Damascus experiences." I feared that my vision would disappear in the light of the real world. I doubted myself, wondering if I could trust my experiences or should I discount them as an emotional high?
Was my proclamation that Restorative Systems would be established in our congregations, something visionary, or simply a trick of my ego? Was I simply wanting attention for having found something meaningful to me? Did I dare to move forward announcing the good news of something beautiful emerging in our congregations?
At the recent training in Atlanta, Becky, one of Dom's associates informed me that an RC practice was beginning at Thomas Starr King, UU seminary. I felt relieved and excited. I felt excited because I imagined Starr King as the perfect place for RC to land. How quickly this process had landed in such a key place. Oh, how I love to be right.
I also felt relieved to realize that it wasn't "up to me" to bring about the event I predicted. It wasn't up to me to see that this treasure came to our movement. Surely this was sufficient validation that I could trust my intuition, enjoy my participation and attempt to contribute to our advancement.
So here I am taking action on my sense of the importance of this work. I invite you to explore "RC" too. IF you have information about the spread of Restorative Circles into the UU world, please let us know. I welcome your companionship and support as we see if/how this process can support us in our mission(s). Let's hear your thoughts and experience engaging conflict with RC, and/or sharing this practice witho the worlds that matter most to us.
It's my sense that many of our congregations suffer for generations from ghosts of conflicts past. If congregations had a healthier and more productive way to engage in conflict, this would have profound effects. In hopes of spreading the word,I shared with our district executive and others a prediction that the RC process to engage conflict was bound to find its way into use in Unitarian Universalist Congregations.
The process is so perfectly aligned with UU values, priniciples and purposes,that I couldn't help but imagine that there would be UU congregations interested. It is built upon the awareness of interdependence and the inherent worth and dignity of every person. It is a process where people get community support and participation in order to engage conflict and seek restoration. The system promotes both compassion and responsibility. It's not just about being heard or emotional catharsis. It attempts to facilitate shared meaning and self responsibility. It ends when restoration plans have completed to everyone's satisfaction.
The process reveals interdependence, the effects we have on one another, and the ties between us. It operates on the assumption that "conflict is owned by the community." It promotes awareness that each of us does matter.
Despite my confident proclamation, inside I held doubts. My encounters of RC had been spiritually overwhelming, "road to Damascus experiences." I feared that my vision would disappear in the light of the real world. I doubted myself, wondering if I could trust my experiences or should I discount them as an emotional high?
Was my proclamation that Restorative Systems would be established in our congregations, something visionary, or simply a trick of my ego? Was I simply wanting attention for having found something meaningful to me? Did I dare to move forward announcing the good news of something beautiful emerging in our congregations?
At the recent training in Atlanta, Becky, one of Dom's associates informed me that an RC practice was beginning at Thomas Starr King, UU seminary. I felt relieved and excited. I felt excited because I imagined Starr King as the perfect place for RC to land. How quickly this process had landed in such a key place. Oh, how I love to be right.
I also felt relieved to realize that it wasn't "up to me" to bring about the event I predicted. It wasn't up to me to see that this treasure came to our movement. Surely this was sufficient validation that I could trust my intuition, enjoy my participation and attempt to contribute to our advancement.
So here I am taking action on my sense of the importance of this work. I invite you to explore "RC" too. IF you have information about the spread of Restorative Circles into the UU world, please let us know. I welcome your companionship and support as we see if/how this process can support us in our mission(s). Let's hear your thoughts and experience engaging conflict with RC, and/or sharing this practice witho the worlds that matter most to us.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Learning from Dominic Barter
I hope to begin to share some of the wonder and learning I gained this past weekend in attendance of A "Restorative Circle Training" with Dominic Barter. There were lessons in nonviolence, power imbalances and how to seek restoration of community. It was the same kind of experience I had when I first watched an DVD of Marshal Rosenberg presenting NVC. Big "WOW!"
Dom is originally from England but has been living in Brazil for 18? years. He studied NVC, before moving to Brazil. He wanted to continue NVC but had no idea how to get it started. "In Europe and the USA there exists a workshop culture," he said. "There is no such thing in Brazil." After Brazil watched a live televised unfolding of a hostage situation that occurred minutes for his school, Dom found himself feeling overwhelmed. He decided he needed to do something. He had been working as a teacher in a school for privileged kids that stood within view of a drug gang controlled ghetto, or "favella." Despite warnings that "it's too dangerous," and "you can't go in there," something inside urged him on.
He thought of lots of reasons not to go in. His mind was filled with doubts that he could accomplish anything, but continuing to do nothing had become intolerable to him. So into the favella, he ventured. From the very beginning people recognized and appreciated what he was doing as different from the NGOs, churches and nonprofit organizations. Those came in with preset programs and solutions. They did their thing and then left. Dom went in, "hung out," listened, heard the needs and requests and got involved. He didn't do anything "for" them, but his listening and questioning helped people figure out how to organize for their needs. He said that he quickly noticed that people including gang leaders gave him "precious gifts" of their conflicts. What resulted was the development of "restorative circles" and the establishment of "restorative systems" going into school systems, the justice system, and in various communities.
His success began and continued from an attitude of not knowing what was needed, and giving no assurances about results. I witnessed and was deeply touched by this attitude as he demonstrated it in his instruction and leadership with us. I was touched by his acceptance. I wouldn't call it warm fuzzy affection. His caring was evident through his nonreactive engagement.
As part of the training, I had opportunity to facilitate a "semi-simulated restorative circle.” The experience revealed much to me about myself, my assumptions and attachments. I found it freeing to consider that I was not responsible for the outcome of the circle, that I couldn’t know what “should” happen, or what form of communication is best for anyone to use.
Dom encouraged us to act as if we had "shown up late for the fight;" to let the circle participants inform us what they wanted heard and by whom, and what they wanted from the circle. He encouraged us to “stay in the conflict” to resist the temptation to shift into discussion mode. He instructed us to remain “with” the people in front of us who were seeking communication and restoration. He told us to notice when the desire to withdraw arose, and then recommit to stay present. Dom emphasized that there is no technique to learn. He defined presence as “who we were before we acquired any identity or behaviors.”
Dom's behavior and communication demonstrated the principles he had shared. I found that his “presence” was what contributed most to my learning. He demonstrated nonviolence as he responded to countless questions and situations. He offered no reassurance that things would be all right. It seemed to me that he expressed no disapproval at any time. He did enter into negotiation. He interrupted people and reasserted himself in attempts to make real connection. He told of power imbalances implicit in our systems, and that we tend to accept these when the imbalance is in our favor. He acknowledged to us that a constant stream of judgmental thoughts pass through his mind. He made clear that facilitating restorative circles wasn't a matter of being nice or free of judgments, but rather a matter of what we choose to pay attention to, what and how to communicate. For him the choice is satyagraha, “remaining connected to what is.”
To my students, friends and parishioners... Now in case your desire for support and learning causes you to expect me to integrate and practice all these wonderful things, I won't offer you any reassurance. I do look forward to joining with any who share my desire to learn, remember, and try restorative practices! If you feel excited or confused by anything you've read, I'd happily receive your questions.
Dom is originally from England but has been living in Brazil for 18? years. He studied NVC, before moving to Brazil. He wanted to continue NVC but had no idea how to get it started. "In Europe and the USA there exists a workshop culture," he said. "There is no such thing in Brazil." After Brazil watched a live televised unfolding of a hostage situation that occurred minutes for his school, Dom found himself feeling overwhelmed. He decided he needed to do something. He had been working as a teacher in a school for privileged kids that stood within view of a drug gang controlled ghetto, or "favella." Despite warnings that "it's too dangerous," and "you can't go in there," something inside urged him on.
He thought of lots of reasons not to go in. His mind was filled with doubts that he could accomplish anything, but continuing to do nothing had become intolerable to him. So into the favella, he ventured. From the very beginning people recognized and appreciated what he was doing as different from the NGOs, churches and nonprofit organizations. Those came in with preset programs and solutions. They did their thing and then left. Dom went in, "hung out," listened, heard the needs and requests and got involved. He didn't do anything "for" them, but his listening and questioning helped people figure out how to organize for their needs. He said that he quickly noticed that people including gang leaders gave him "precious gifts" of their conflicts. What resulted was the development of "restorative circles" and the establishment of "restorative systems" going into school systems, the justice system, and in various communities.
His success began and continued from an attitude of not knowing what was needed, and giving no assurances about results. I witnessed and was deeply touched by this attitude as he demonstrated it in his instruction and leadership with us. I was touched by his acceptance. I wouldn't call it warm fuzzy affection. His caring was evident through his nonreactive engagement.
As part of the training, I had opportunity to facilitate a "semi-simulated restorative circle.” The experience revealed much to me about myself, my assumptions and attachments. I found it freeing to consider that I was not responsible for the outcome of the circle, that I couldn’t know what “should” happen, or what form of communication is best for anyone to use.
Dom encouraged us to act as if we had "shown up late for the fight;" to let the circle participants inform us what they wanted heard and by whom, and what they wanted from the circle. He encouraged us to “stay in the conflict” to resist the temptation to shift into discussion mode. He instructed us to remain “with” the people in front of us who were seeking communication and restoration. He told us to notice when the desire to withdraw arose, and then recommit to stay present. Dom emphasized that there is no technique to learn. He defined presence as “who we were before we acquired any identity or behaviors.”
Dom's behavior and communication demonstrated the principles he had shared. I found that his “presence” was what contributed most to my learning. He demonstrated nonviolence as he responded to countless questions and situations. He offered no reassurance that things would be all right. It seemed to me that he expressed no disapproval at any time. He did enter into negotiation. He interrupted people and reasserted himself in attempts to make real connection. He told of power imbalances implicit in our systems, and that we tend to accept these when the imbalance is in our favor. He acknowledged to us that a constant stream of judgmental thoughts pass through his mind. He made clear that facilitating restorative circles wasn't a matter of being nice or free of judgments, but rather a matter of what we choose to pay attention to, what and how to communicate. For him the choice is satyagraha, “remaining connected to what is.”
To my students, friends and parishioners... Now in case your desire for support and learning causes you to expect me to integrate and practice all these wonderful things, I won't offer you any reassurance. I do look forward to joining with any who share my desire to learn, remember, and try restorative practices! If you feel excited or confused by anything you've read, I'd happily receive your questions.
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