In Compassionate Conversations class tonight, we used Grok cards (nvcproducts.com) to help us connect on a deeper level with the feelings and needs that are stirring in us after hearing the news of the earthquake, tsunami, explosion @ nuclear power plant etc. Wow! I figured that people were reeling from this, but I must admit to being surprised by the depth at which the news was affecting people.
I realized that I have been in denial. I have quick answers;theological ones, rational ones, helpful ones. Although these answers have been useful to me in the past, I realized that now they were simply more thoughts that were standing in my way of being with "what is". Despite "knowing better," I somehow believed that I could be unaffected by recent news from Japan. I had been telling myself; "I have a lot going on, and just don't have space for this right now." As I listened to others, I not only connected to them but also to the grief, hopes and concerns that were already inside of me.
The first participant shared the thoughts that had occupied her mind. She gave us some clues as to her feelings. She said that she had stayed with people in Japan a few years ago, and that she had long been a believer in the safety of nuclear power. Now she felt overwhelmed.
As she spoke she seemed to connect with the pain that was insider her. And this seemed to bring life into her. When people reflected back the important things they heard her saying, she seemed to become even more present. Then suddenly, an idea flashed insider her. It was a simple idea but obviously meant a lot to her. She realized that she could and would try to the contact the people she had met in Japan. You could almost see the electricity move through her body, as she integrated her epiphany. Later she explained that she had been excited by the thought of them receiving her letters and hearing of her concern. She began smiling. There was a profound shift in her appearance.
We may tell ourselves that this is news from far away and is not affecting us. In the face of what has been visited upon the people in Japan, it's easy to dismiss as unimportant any effect this is having on us.
There exists in each of us, an unseen world. Waves of thought and emotion are moving through us. When we reflected and shared with each other what was stimulated by the news from Japan, this unseen world became visible- at least in part. We got a glimpse at what Echart Tolle calls "the pain body" traveling with us. Awakening to the waves of thought and emotion, we also became more aware of the bonds between us, and realized the connection of humanity that extends around the globe.
Becoming less numb, even to pain and things that are hard to be with, ... no longer turning away, opened a door from which a surprising guest entered. Beauty became our companion, as we saw more clearly the humanity in the room.
Showing posts with label restorative practices. Show all posts
Showing posts with label restorative practices. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Friday, November 12, 2010
RC arrives at Starr King
When I first encountered Dominic Barter and learned of the "Restorative Systems" he had established in Brazil, I felt wowwed, humbled and hopeful. I was struck by the transformative power of "Restorative Circles." These do so much more than help a few individuals feel better. They introduce communities to a different way of engaging in conflict.
It's my sense that many of our congregations suffer for generations from ghosts of conflicts past. If congregations had a healthier and more productive way to engage in conflict, this would have profound effects. In hopes of spreading the word,I shared with our district executive and others a prediction that the RC process to engage conflict was bound to find its way into use in Unitarian Universalist Congregations.
The process is so perfectly aligned with UU values, priniciples and purposes,that I couldn't help but imagine that there would be UU congregations interested. It is built upon the awareness of interdependence and the inherent worth and dignity of every person. It is a process where people get community support and participation in order to engage conflict and seek restoration. The system promotes both compassion and responsibility. It's not just about being heard or emotional catharsis. It attempts to facilitate shared meaning and self responsibility. It ends when restoration plans have completed to everyone's satisfaction.
The process reveals interdependence, the effects we have on one another, and the ties between us. It operates on the assumption that "conflict is owned by the community." It promotes awareness that each of us does matter.
Despite my confident proclamation, inside I held doubts. My encounters of RC had been spiritually overwhelming, "road to Damascus experiences." I feared that my vision would disappear in the light of the real world. I doubted myself, wondering if I could trust my experiences or should I discount them as an emotional high?
Was my proclamation that Restorative Systems would be established in our congregations, something visionary, or simply a trick of my ego? Was I simply wanting attention for having found something meaningful to me? Did I dare to move forward announcing the good news of something beautiful emerging in our congregations?
At the recent training in Atlanta, Becky, one of Dom's associates informed me that an RC practice was beginning at Thomas Starr King, UU seminary. I felt relieved and excited. I felt excited because I imagined Starr King as the perfect place for RC to land. How quickly this process had landed in such a key place. Oh, how I love to be right.
I also felt relieved to realize that it wasn't "up to me" to bring about the event I predicted. It wasn't up to me to see that this treasure came to our movement. Surely this was sufficient validation that I could trust my intuition, enjoy my participation and attempt to contribute to our advancement.
So here I am taking action on my sense of the importance of this work. I invite you to explore "RC" too. IF you have information about the spread of Restorative Circles into the UU world, please let us know. I welcome your companionship and support as we see if/how this process can support us in our mission(s). Let's hear your thoughts and experience engaging conflict with RC, and/or sharing this practice witho the worlds that matter most to us.
It's my sense that many of our congregations suffer for generations from ghosts of conflicts past. If congregations had a healthier and more productive way to engage in conflict, this would have profound effects. In hopes of spreading the word,I shared with our district executive and others a prediction that the RC process to engage conflict was bound to find its way into use in Unitarian Universalist Congregations.
The process is so perfectly aligned with UU values, priniciples and purposes,that I couldn't help but imagine that there would be UU congregations interested. It is built upon the awareness of interdependence and the inherent worth and dignity of every person. It is a process where people get community support and participation in order to engage conflict and seek restoration. The system promotes both compassion and responsibility. It's not just about being heard or emotional catharsis. It attempts to facilitate shared meaning and self responsibility. It ends when restoration plans have completed to everyone's satisfaction.
The process reveals interdependence, the effects we have on one another, and the ties between us. It operates on the assumption that "conflict is owned by the community." It promotes awareness that each of us does matter.
Despite my confident proclamation, inside I held doubts. My encounters of RC had been spiritually overwhelming, "road to Damascus experiences." I feared that my vision would disappear in the light of the real world. I doubted myself, wondering if I could trust my experiences or should I discount them as an emotional high?
Was my proclamation that Restorative Systems would be established in our congregations, something visionary, or simply a trick of my ego? Was I simply wanting attention for having found something meaningful to me? Did I dare to move forward announcing the good news of something beautiful emerging in our congregations?
At the recent training in Atlanta, Becky, one of Dom's associates informed me that an RC practice was beginning at Thomas Starr King, UU seminary. I felt relieved and excited. I felt excited because I imagined Starr King as the perfect place for RC to land. How quickly this process had landed in such a key place. Oh, how I love to be right.
I also felt relieved to realize that it wasn't "up to me" to bring about the event I predicted. It wasn't up to me to see that this treasure came to our movement. Surely this was sufficient validation that I could trust my intuition, enjoy my participation and attempt to contribute to our advancement.
So here I am taking action on my sense of the importance of this work. I invite you to explore "RC" too. IF you have information about the spread of Restorative Circles into the UU world, please let us know. I welcome your companionship and support as we see if/how this process can support us in our mission(s). Let's hear your thoughts and experience engaging conflict with RC, and/or sharing this practice witho the worlds that matter most to us.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Learning from Dominic Barter
I hope to begin to share some of the wonder and learning I gained this past weekend in attendance of A "Restorative Circle Training" with Dominic Barter. There were lessons in nonviolence, power imbalances and how to seek restoration of community. It was the same kind of experience I had when I first watched an DVD of Marshal Rosenberg presenting NVC. Big "WOW!"
Dom is originally from England but has been living in Brazil for 18? years. He studied NVC, before moving to Brazil. He wanted to continue NVC but had no idea how to get it started. "In Europe and the USA there exists a workshop culture," he said. "There is no such thing in Brazil." After Brazil watched a live televised unfolding of a hostage situation that occurred minutes for his school, Dom found himself feeling overwhelmed. He decided he needed to do something. He had been working as a teacher in a school for privileged kids that stood within view of a drug gang controlled ghetto, or "favella." Despite warnings that "it's too dangerous," and "you can't go in there," something inside urged him on.
He thought of lots of reasons not to go in. His mind was filled with doubts that he could accomplish anything, but continuing to do nothing had become intolerable to him. So into the favella, he ventured. From the very beginning people recognized and appreciated what he was doing as different from the NGOs, churches and nonprofit organizations. Those came in with preset programs and solutions. They did their thing and then left. Dom went in, "hung out," listened, heard the needs and requests and got involved. He didn't do anything "for" them, but his listening and questioning helped people figure out how to organize for their needs. He said that he quickly noticed that people including gang leaders gave him "precious gifts" of their conflicts. What resulted was the development of "restorative circles" and the establishment of "restorative systems" going into school systems, the justice system, and in various communities.
His success began and continued from an attitude of not knowing what was needed, and giving no assurances about results. I witnessed and was deeply touched by this attitude as he demonstrated it in his instruction and leadership with us. I was touched by his acceptance. I wouldn't call it warm fuzzy affection. His caring was evident through his nonreactive engagement.
As part of the training, I had opportunity to facilitate a "semi-simulated restorative circle.” The experience revealed much to me about myself, my assumptions and attachments. I found it freeing to consider that I was not responsible for the outcome of the circle, that I couldn’t know what “should” happen, or what form of communication is best for anyone to use.
Dom encouraged us to act as if we had "shown up late for the fight;" to let the circle participants inform us what they wanted heard and by whom, and what they wanted from the circle. He encouraged us to “stay in the conflict” to resist the temptation to shift into discussion mode. He instructed us to remain “with” the people in front of us who were seeking communication and restoration. He told us to notice when the desire to withdraw arose, and then recommit to stay present. Dom emphasized that there is no technique to learn. He defined presence as “who we were before we acquired any identity or behaviors.”
Dom's behavior and communication demonstrated the principles he had shared. I found that his “presence” was what contributed most to my learning. He demonstrated nonviolence as he responded to countless questions and situations. He offered no reassurance that things would be all right. It seemed to me that he expressed no disapproval at any time. He did enter into negotiation. He interrupted people and reasserted himself in attempts to make real connection. He told of power imbalances implicit in our systems, and that we tend to accept these when the imbalance is in our favor. He acknowledged to us that a constant stream of judgmental thoughts pass through his mind. He made clear that facilitating restorative circles wasn't a matter of being nice or free of judgments, but rather a matter of what we choose to pay attention to, what and how to communicate. For him the choice is satyagraha, “remaining connected to what is.”
To my students, friends and parishioners... Now in case your desire for support and learning causes you to expect me to integrate and practice all these wonderful things, I won't offer you any reassurance. I do look forward to joining with any who share my desire to learn, remember, and try restorative practices! If you feel excited or confused by anything you've read, I'd happily receive your questions.
Dom is originally from England but has been living in Brazil for 18? years. He studied NVC, before moving to Brazil. He wanted to continue NVC but had no idea how to get it started. "In Europe and the USA there exists a workshop culture," he said. "There is no such thing in Brazil." After Brazil watched a live televised unfolding of a hostage situation that occurred minutes for his school, Dom found himself feeling overwhelmed. He decided he needed to do something. He had been working as a teacher in a school for privileged kids that stood within view of a drug gang controlled ghetto, or "favella." Despite warnings that "it's too dangerous," and "you can't go in there," something inside urged him on.
He thought of lots of reasons not to go in. His mind was filled with doubts that he could accomplish anything, but continuing to do nothing had become intolerable to him. So into the favella, he ventured. From the very beginning people recognized and appreciated what he was doing as different from the NGOs, churches and nonprofit organizations. Those came in with preset programs and solutions. They did their thing and then left. Dom went in, "hung out," listened, heard the needs and requests and got involved. He didn't do anything "for" them, but his listening and questioning helped people figure out how to organize for their needs. He said that he quickly noticed that people including gang leaders gave him "precious gifts" of their conflicts. What resulted was the development of "restorative circles" and the establishment of "restorative systems" going into school systems, the justice system, and in various communities.
His success began and continued from an attitude of not knowing what was needed, and giving no assurances about results. I witnessed and was deeply touched by this attitude as he demonstrated it in his instruction and leadership with us. I was touched by his acceptance. I wouldn't call it warm fuzzy affection. His caring was evident through his nonreactive engagement.
As part of the training, I had opportunity to facilitate a "semi-simulated restorative circle.” The experience revealed much to me about myself, my assumptions and attachments. I found it freeing to consider that I was not responsible for the outcome of the circle, that I couldn’t know what “should” happen, or what form of communication is best for anyone to use.
Dom encouraged us to act as if we had "shown up late for the fight;" to let the circle participants inform us what they wanted heard and by whom, and what they wanted from the circle. He encouraged us to “stay in the conflict” to resist the temptation to shift into discussion mode. He instructed us to remain “with” the people in front of us who were seeking communication and restoration. He told us to notice when the desire to withdraw arose, and then recommit to stay present. Dom emphasized that there is no technique to learn. He defined presence as “who we were before we acquired any identity or behaviors.”
Dom's behavior and communication demonstrated the principles he had shared. I found that his “presence” was what contributed most to my learning. He demonstrated nonviolence as he responded to countless questions and situations. He offered no reassurance that things would be all right. It seemed to me that he expressed no disapproval at any time. He did enter into negotiation. He interrupted people and reasserted himself in attempts to make real connection. He told of power imbalances implicit in our systems, and that we tend to accept these when the imbalance is in our favor. He acknowledged to us that a constant stream of judgmental thoughts pass through his mind. He made clear that facilitating restorative circles wasn't a matter of being nice or free of judgments, but rather a matter of what we choose to pay attention to, what and how to communicate. For him the choice is satyagraha, “remaining connected to what is.”
To my students, friends and parishioners... Now in case your desire for support and learning causes you to expect me to integrate and practice all these wonderful things, I won't offer you any reassurance. I do look forward to joining with any who share my desire to learn, remember, and try restorative practices! If you feel excited or confused by anything you've read, I'd happily receive your questions.
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